We can be joyful in the midst of tests and trials, because we know that God is allowing them to make us stronger in the faith.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Is There Hope After a Breach of Trust?
Interesting blog from:
http://www.lettersfromthesoul.com/2008/03/18/is-there-hope-after-a-breach-of-trust/
Zeroing in on a romantic relationship, it is quite an interesting thing to consider how the bond mutates or gets transformed after an act of infidelity – a violation of trust if you like. The ball will definitely be on the erring partner’s side and the way he or she plays it will determine whether the relationship survives or will die a sorry death.
Sometimes, remorse is not enough. A cooling off period may be beneficial to allow the aggrieved party to heal, think and reconsider. Weighing of the options comes next, as both parties decide whether there is merit in rebuilding the ruined trust or totally abandoning the prospect of life as a couple altogether.
At this stage of a relationship, efficient communication and maturity are vital in order to sort things out and if all else fail, to part ways without too much anger. This is easier said than done, particularly for the aggrieved party. That is why it is up to the erring partner to play it right by being calm, composed, gentle and contrite. Dousing the aggrieved partner’s fury with penitent acts usually works, coupled with a humble acceptance of his or her wrongdoing, not to mention a promise to remain faithful henceforth.
Nothing is more hurtful for someone whose trust has been betrayed, than to be blamed for the other partner’s act of infidelity. While there may be some truth to the accusation (i.e., she is not as loving and attentive to his needs anymore), if an erring partner wants to salvage the relationship, he or she should not mention that at this critical point. There are other ways and opportunities to bring up the matter – when the problem at hand has been resolved.
A solid foundation of trust, respect and assurances of love proves to be very helpful also if a relationship has to survive a trying time like infidelity of one of the partners. The erring partner always has the past track record of faithfulness to back his or her claim that what happened with the third party was not pre-meditated and that it was not meant to be taken seriously. Of course, the effectiveness of this wears off if the offender keeps on being unfaithful.
Having said all these, the single most important thing for the couple to consider after one of them is unfaithful, is the worth of the relationship as against the single act of infidelity. Is the relationship worth saving? If both partners are completely convinced that it is worth trying, then this should be their common goal, regardless of the feelings at hand. Again, this is easier said than done, because during such times, emotions would run feverishly high and usually overwhelm logic and reason.
That is why the erring partner should do everything in their power to restore a semblance of respect and trust for them in the aggrieved party, in order for both of them to move forward in salvaging the relationship. Having the survival of the relationship as the ultimate goal, gives them an anchor and an objective so that they will not be buffeted by the “storm” that is the act of infidelity.
One very important thing for the erring party to do, given that they both want to save the relationship, is to cut all ties or means of communication with the third party, making the aggrieved party understand that it is over beyond reasonable doubt. It is surprising how people who have been hurt “calm down” after such assurances, and achieve a more sober mood which is what exactly is needed in order to think more rationally.
At the end of the day, the quality and worth of the relationship as far as the partners are concerned, will determine whether it is worth saving at all. If it has been a gem of a bond all along, such a momentary trial should strengthen it all the more, making both parties strongly realize that they cannot afford to lose it. On the other hand, if it is not that valuable, then, this particularly tough time would bring the fact to the fore and will spell the end of it in the blink of an eye.
http://www.lettersfromthesoul.com/2008/03/18/is-there-hope-after-a-breach-of-trust/
There are people who are naturally forgiving, lenient and understanding. They make the perfect half of a relationship – whether it be romance or simply friendship. These kind souls are quick to open themselves to an erring partner or friend again, and again, and again. I dare say that they are the bravest of all because they have the courage to expose themselves to possible hurt and pain just one more time.
Zeroing in on a romantic relationship, it is quite an interesting thing to consider how the bond mutates or gets transformed after an act of infidelity – a violation of trust if you like. The ball will definitely be on the erring partner’s side and the way he or she plays it will determine whether the relationship survives or will die a sorry death.
Sometimes, remorse is not enough. A cooling off period may be beneficial to allow the aggrieved party to heal, think and reconsider. Weighing of the options comes next, as both parties decide whether there is merit in rebuilding the ruined trust or totally abandoning the prospect of life as a couple altogether.
At this stage of a relationship, efficient communication and maturity are vital in order to sort things out and if all else fail, to part ways without too much anger. This is easier said than done, particularly for the aggrieved party. That is why it is up to the erring partner to play it right by being calm, composed, gentle and contrite. Dousing the aggrieved partner’s fury with penitent acts usually works, coupled with a humble acceptance of his or her wrongdoing, not to mention a promise to remain faithful henceforth.
Nothing is more hurtful for someone whose trust has been betrayed, than to be blamed for the other partner’s act of infidelity. While there may be some truth to the accusation (i.e., she is not as loving and attentive to his needs anymore), if an erring partner wants to salvage the relationship, he or she should not mention that at this critical point. There are other ways and opportunities to bring up the matter – when the problem at hand has been resolved.
A solid foundation of trust, respect and assurances of love proves to be very helpful also if a relationship has to survive a trying time like infidelity of one of the partners. The erring partner always has the past track record of faithfulness to back his or her claim that what happened with the third party was not pre-meditated and that it was not meant to be taken seriously. Of course, the effectiveness of this wears off if the offender keeps on being unfaithful.
Having said all these, the single most important thing for the couple to consider after one of them is unfaithful, is the worth of the relationship as against the single act of infidelity. Is the relationship worth saving? If both partners are completely convinced that it is worth trying, then this should be their common goal, regardless of the feelings at hand. Again, this is easier said than done, because during such times, emotions would run feverishly high and usually overwhelm logic and reason.
That is why the erring partner should do everything in their power to restore a semblance of respect and trust for them in the aggrieved party, in order for both of them to move forward in salvaging the relationship. Having the survival of the relationship as the ultimate goal, gives them an anchor and an objective so that they will not be buffeted by the “storm” that is the act of infidelity.
One very important thing for the erring party to do, given that they both want to save the relationship, is to cut all ties or means of communication with the third party, making the aggrieved party understand that it is over beyond reasonable doubt. It is surprising how people who have been hurt “calm down” after such assurances, and achieve a more sober mood which is what exactly is needed in order to think more rationally.
At the end of the day, the quality and worth of the relationship as far as the partners are concerned, will determine whether it is worth saving at all. If it has been a gem of a bond all along, such a momentary trial should strengthen it all the more, making both parties strongly realize that they cannot afford to lose it. On the other hand, if it is not that valuable, then, this particularly tough time would bring the fact to the fore and will spell the end of it in the blink of an eye.
Friday, January 30, 2009
A Thankful Attitude Can Save Your Marriage
November 24, 2008 Thanksgiving blog of Dr. Lee Baucom. Another nice entry worth reading!
In the United States, it is around Thanksgiving, a time set aside to be thankful. For far too many people, it really becomes an opportunity to eat a big meal, watch a little football, and take a few days off work. Too bad!
What an opportunity to set aside a time to do what we should always do: focus on that for which we are thankful. In fact, the latest research on our health and our ability to thrive shows that those who are thankful and express gratitude live longer, have more meaningful lives, and report higher levels of happiness.
Trouble is, when we have problems, we tend to forget to be thankful. This often has very detrimental effects on our lives and our relationships.
One place this is particularly true is in marriage. Usually, we start relationships being so thankful for the person we met. In fact, when I am talking with pre-marital couples, this is a common theme. It never fails that each is thankful for having found the other. And they can even tell me what they are thankful for.
Then, somewhere along the line, as arguments and conflicts take their tolls on the relationship, we begin to lose track of that for which we are thankful. Suddenly, we are much more aware of what the other person does that bothers us (or doesn't do that bothers us). We lose track of what the other brings to us and to the relationship. And that is when the relationship hits the wall.
In fact, I believe that this process is what creates the real crisis. When we fall out of touch with being thankful for our spouse, our spouse begins to feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, and "wrong." That is when people start asking "what did I do wrong?" with no answer. You see, our minds either operate on gratitude and thanksgiving or fear/hurt and protection. There is not much in-between.
Soon, neither can tell someone what they were thankful for, and then, neither can even tell what he or she likes about the other person. At that point, contempt and anger begin to set the emotional tone of the relationship. We begin to focus on what we are not getting, completely ignoring what we are getting.
Sound familiar? If you are in that situation, it is one all-too-common, and one that is entirely avoidable! But the time to turn the tide is now. In order to make the shift, you have to take the relationship off automatic, which is where gratitude turns to resentment and thankfulness turns to insufficiency.
Our minds work in predictable ways, when we don't intervene. But we can easily intervene. We just have to quit allowing the process to run on automatically.
Here are some steps to return to thankfulness and gratitude:
1. Remember that no spouse is as bad as we paint them in our down moments. Our perceptions are skewed when we are upset, angry, or resentful.
2. Remember that people really do the best they can, where they are. This does not mean someone couldn't do better, only that they are doing the best they can now.
3. Remember what you loved and appreciated in the beginning. In fact:
4. List what you would have said at the beginning of the relationship to this: I am thankful for my spouse because. . .
5. Ask yourself whether those items are still true. If so, focus on being thankful for those items. If not:
6. Ask yourself whether they are really not true, or if you just refuse to see and acknowledge them. Often, we lose track with our spouse's true nature, and create an image that is not true, then keep looking for facts to support that image.
7. Work to accept your spouse. In fact, this is the greatest, most important point of all. We all deserve to be accepted for who we are (not the same as how we act). We all want that from our spouse, but few want to extend that to our spouse. This has the power to transform your relationship with your spouse.
Thanksgiving always begins with acceptance: "Thanks for getting us this far. We can go further, but we are glad to be here."
Isn't that the real message of Thanksgiving Day? Be thankful for where you are,
wherever that is, because it is not where you were before. Look forward to bigger things, better days, by starting with acceptance of where you are and who your spouse is. Then move from there!
In the United States, it is around Thanksgiving, a time set aside to be thankful. For far too many people, it really becomes an opportunity to eat a big meal, watch a little football, and take a few days off work. Too bad!
What an opportunity to set aside a time to do what we should always do: focus on that for which we are thankful. In fact, the latest research on our health and our ability to thrive shows that those who are thankful and express gratitude live longer, have more meaningful lives, and report higher levels of happiness.
Trouble is, when we have problems, we tend to forget to be thankful. This often has very detrimental effects on our lives and our relationships.
One place this is particularly true is in marriage. Usually, we start relationships being so thankful for the person we met. In fact, when I am talking with pre-marital couples, this is a common theme. It never fails that each is thankful for having found the other. And they can even tell me what they are thankful for.
Then, somewhere along the line, as arguments and conflicts take their tolls on the relationship, we begin to lose track of that for which we are thankful. Suddenly, we are much more aware of what the other person does that bothers us (or doesn't do that bothers us). We lose track of what the other brings to us and to the relationship. And that is when the relationship hits the wall.
In fact, I believe that this process is what creates the real crisis. When we fall out of touch with being thankful for our spouse, our spouse begins to feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, and "wrong." That is when people start asking "what did I do wrong?" with no answer. You see, our minds either operate on gratitude and thanksgiving or fear/hurt and protection. There is not much in-between.
Soon, neither can tell someone what they were thankful for, and then, neither can even tell what he or she likes about the other person. At that point, contempt and anger begin to set the emotional tone of the relationship. We begin to focus on what we are not getting, completely ignoring what we are getting.
Sound familiar? If you are in that situation, it is one all-too-common, and one that is entirely avoidable! But the time to turn the tide is now. In order to make the shift, you have to take the relationship off automatic, which is where gratitude turns to resentment and thankfulness turns to insufficiency.
Our minds work in predictable ways, when we don't intervene. But we can easily intervene. We just have to quit allowing the process to run on automatically.
Here are some steps to return to thankfulness and gratitude:
1. Remember that no spouse is as bad as we paint them in our down moments. Our perceptions are skewed when we are upset, angry, or resentful.
2. Remember that people really do the best they can, where they are. This does not mean someone couldn't do better, only that they are doing the best they can now.
3. Remember what you loved and appreciated in the beginning. In fact:
4. List what you would have said at the beginning of the relationship to this: I am thankful for my spouse because. . .
5. Ask yourself whether those items are still true. If so, focus on being thankful for those items. If not:
6. Ask yourself whether they are really not true, or if you just refuse to see and acknowledge them. Often, we lose track with our spouse's true nature, and create an image that is not true, then keep looking for facts to support that image.
7. Work to accept your spouse. In fact, this is the greatest, most important point of all. We all deserve to be accepted for who we are (not the same as how we act). We all want that from our spouse, but few want to extend that to our spouse. This has the power to transform your relationship with your spouse.
Thanksgiving always begins with acceptance: "Thanks for getting us this far. We can go further, but we are glad to be here."
Isn't that the real message of Thanksgiving Day? Be thankful for where you are,
wherever that is, because it is not where you were before. Look forward to bigger things, better days, by starting with acceptance of where you are and who your spouse is. Then move from there!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Two Feelings Necessary In A Marriage
There are two essential feelings necessary for a marriage to thrive or even survive. Notice I said feelings, not emotions. I think that word better describes what I am trying to communicate. I feel a certain way. That ties into an emotional response, but is still different.
I note these feelings for you as a way of considering how you are feeling, and to consider how your spouse may be feeling. At this point, I am suggesting these feelings, but am not going to be giving a great deal of answers. That is something I am still working on.
So the two feelings are
Feeling wanted.
Feeling accepted.
Feeling wanted would be in opposition to feeling a) needed or b) unwanted. And feeling accepted is in opposition to feeling rejected (its just that it is not quite so simple as that).
To take these in order: Feeling wanted. With this idea, I am referring to feeling wanted on a number of fronts. Am I wanted sexually? Does the person want to be with me? Does the person want to know me? Does the person want me to do better? These are just a few of the "wants." You can add yours.
The opposite of feeling wanted is feeling unwanted or needed. Both of these feelings destroy a relationship. If I feel unwanted, then I begin to feel undesirable, unlovable, unworthy. This is especially true if it comes from someone I love. Feeling unwanted causes us to question our physical attractiveness, or mental capacity, our spiritual basis. All from a single feeling.
But just as destructive is the feeling of being needed. You see, someone can need me without wanting me. Or the feeling of being needed can lead to fears of losing one's self to the other person. When someone needs me, it pulls at me to meet that person's needs, regardless of what I might want.
What I am not saying: couples do depend on each other. That is the nature of marriage. So the more you weave your life together, the more you functionally rely on each other, and really need each other. But that is different than the feeling of being needed, really of neediness from a spouse.
So, two questions on this one:
Do you feel wanted by your spouse?
Does your spouse feel wanted by you?
Next feeling: the feeling of being accepted. This is one of the most basic emotional needs that we have, to be accepted and loved. While I believe that unconditional love is a goal, not a reality, this is sort of what I am referring to. Does my spouse accept me for who I am?
I am reminded of some wise advice I heard long ago, "when someones 'I could love you if. . .,' they already love you, they just want to change you." Unfortunately, many marriages are built on people making a project out of their spouse. It may start before marriage, or it may start years into a marriage. But most spouses have a "wish list" of changes they would love in a spouse.
In the last week, I have heard about spouses that would be more loved if they: lost weight, got a better job, cleaned better, lasted longer during sex, had more sex, started an interesting hobby, dressed more stylishly, quit drinking, starting exercising, spoke more pleasantly, quit snoring, started going to church, helped more around the house, etc., etc.
Now my point is NOT that we cannot improve ourselves. My point is that when the pressure comes from outside of ourselves, we feel more defeated than empowered and we feel unaccepted (or rejected). When someone wants me to change, my feeling is not of being accepted but of being rejected. I do not feel like I am being helped to change, only that I am not accepted.
What this does NOT mean: we do not have to put up with any behavior, just to accept the other person. I don't have to accept abuse, lying, criminal behavior, infidelity, and any number of other actions. So if we drop out all the "outliers," and go with the more typical, then we are aiming at the same target.
Someone once said, after the husband made it clear that she needed to lose weight, "it's not like I can't see myself in the mirror! He acts like this is some revelation to me!" Fact is, most of us are aware of our shortcomings and imperfections. Having them pointed out is rarely constructive. Feeling accepted and loved, that is what we all need!
So again:
Do you feel accepted?
Does your spouse feel accepted?
Talk to me. Tell me what you think. Am I on target? Would you like to hear more on this subject? Do you disagree? Leave a comment and tell me what you think.
- Dr. Lee Baucom, blog January 15, 2009
The Winter Of Marriage
December 10, 2008, blog of Dr. Lee Baucom. Nice read.
I love to trail run. I love the feeling of going through the woods, feeling the ground beneath me, usually just behind my yellow Lab. Now, I don't live in what anyone would consider to be the Mecca of trail running.
But there is this one trail. . . I figure I have run it over 600 times. It is my standby trail, about 7 miles long. After that many runs, I know what is coming, and exactly where I am. I don't have to think about it, I just go.
But one of the things I really love is watching the seasons change as I run the same stretch of land. I watch the progress of each season as I go: the growing warmth and green of Spring, the heat and humidity of Summer, the cool colors of Fall, and the bitter solitude of Winter. . .
Which led me to contemplate this about the seasons: Marriage is a lot like the seasons of the year. And we don't act like it is.
We like to think that a marriage is going to be just like it was (fill in the blank). We expect that we will always be gushing with love, passion, emotion, etc., that many feel at the beginning of a marriage.
Unfortunately, that is not reality.
So what if we shifted our thoughts a little bit? What if we started to expect that marriage is more like the seasons of the year? This changes two things:
We stop pretending that nothing will change. We accept that things will change, and that this is OK.
We come to believe that the place we are will change.
In other words, things will not stay as good as we wish them to, but they won't stay as bad as they can get sometimes. Life is change. Life is shift. Life is seasons.
You may be reading this because you find yourself in the Winter of a marriage. It can all seem so cold, so barren, so desolate. It can seem that nothing will get better. We think back to the cool of Fall, wishing it was back. If you aren't careful, you can fool yourself into believing that something better can ever come.
But Spring is always just around the corner, if we wait for it. Sometimes, we decide to just move to Antarctica, camp out in desolation. But if we just wait it out, Winter leads to Spring.
It may come slowly: kinder words toward each other, a hand held, a hug accepted. But soon, the Spring thaw takes over and their is growth. Spring can take some cultivation, action, effort.
I grow Banana trees in my backyard (yes, bananas can grow in Kentucky!), and when I plant the stalks each year, it is in the early days of Spring. The brown stalks have no leaves, look dead, and just sit there. . . for what seems like forever! But I have faith. I keep on watering. Then, one day, I notice a little green beginning to break through the top. Then a leaf erupts. Suddenly, the plant takes off!
But guess what? Even during the period when the plant looked dead, it really wasn't. It was hard at work on the inside, getting ready to shoot up!
Sometimes, marriage is the same way. Things just look dead, but there is lots of activity on the inside. Both individuals may be working hard to get things going, even if it is outwardly invisible. Suddenly, Spring arrives.
And Spring is followed by Summer. Those fun, lazy days. Life just seems so much easier. The rhythm of life changes to an easier pace. Life (or the relationship) is enjoyed and savored.
But just when you think you have it figured out, some leaves start falling. Cool breezes kick up. In marriages, the assumption that you finally have it all figured out gives way to new disagreements and realizations that you really don't see things alike. The cool can be breathtaking, but it is easy to pretend that the cold is not coming. After all, there are still warm days.
Until one day, there is frost on the ground. Conversations screech to a halt. Tensions create distance. Distance leads to more cold. At that point, both people are wondering what happened to the relationship.
How did it get so cold, so distant?
Well. . . that is the cycle of life! Winter does come. But so does Spring.
As cold as it is, I still drag myself out to run the trail, because Winter may not be quite as enjoyable, it can be beautiful -- and Spring is coming!
How To Have an Abundant 2009
Friend, do you want to have an abundant 2009?
Follow Matthew 6:33. Put God first and the Bible says that “all things” will be added unto you.
Can I tell you a funny story?
Last Christmas season, a mother and her little girl were shopping in Megamall. The crowd was extra thick. The mother sternly told her child, “Princess, no matter what happens, hold onto my skirt! I don’t want you to get lost. Hold my skirt, you hear me?” The little girl said yes as she wrapped her little fingers tight onto her mother’s skirt.
Two hours later, the mother was talking to the Security Guard. “Guard, have you seen a little girl holding a skirt?”
There are people who look for the “skirt” of blessings. All they want are the blessings of God. That’s what they hold on to. That’s dangerous. Because one day, they’ll end up holding an empty skirt.
Instead of looking for blessings, look for the Blesser.
When you have the Blesser, the blessings will follow.
The most important decision you can make in 2009 is to put God first.
That doesn’t mean you won’t work anymore or care for your family. If God is “first”, then there must be a “second” and a “third” and so on. I believe family is second. I believe work is third.
But God must be first.
- Bo Sanchez
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
What I Would Like To Be This Year and In the Years To Come .......
I pray that I become what the Scriptures describe of "The Wife of Noble Character" (Proverbs 31) .... Make me a better person everyday!!! ---- Nance
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